OK, so to write something more in-depth as to my reason for believing that this is the worst film I have seen in a cinema. Ever. I knew that even before stepping into my local Hoyts I was going to dislike this film. All the reviewers I respect panned it. I disliked the first one (but did not HATE it - it was at least watchable). I hold nothing but contempt for arguments of "it's a mindless action film" or "it shouldn't be analysed, it's a fun film". So, confessing that much is a start. Yes, I began reviewing the film in my head before I started watching it, yes I began working out witty lines to use, some involving tire marks on the underpants of cinema, but all of that stopped about 30-40 minutes into the film. The first 30-40 min I did not hate. It was mildly irritating but still watchable. The parents were funny almost every first half of every scene they were in, but there was always something that ruined their comic relief. Megan Fox was hot. Period. And the supporting cast was pretty cool (read: just Rainn Wilson). Then I began to hate the film with a passion. Perhaps not at that point with the ferocity I hated it with nearing the ending.
Let me explain. There is a point in the film where our noble hero, his girlfriend and his annoying roommate are dropped in a car from the top of a warehouse. There is no magical robot arm that stops them, as I expected, but rather they plummet to the hard concrete floor at which point they are saved by airbags. How the fcuk did they survive that?!?! I know you are supposed to "suspend your disbelief" but that just pissed me off to no end. That was the 'nuke the fridge' moment of this film for me (for those who did not see Indy 4, the 'jumping the shark' moment). This film was appaling in terms of its plotting, the close calls, the coincidences. the COINCIDENCES! This film should have been called Transformers: Coincidences of the Idiotic. Everything that happened, supposedly "for a reason", as Shia LaBeouf says late in the film during a John Locke-ean transformation (read: I'm a Lost fan) that lasts like 2 seconds. Let's rattle off a few more coincidences in the film (SPOILERS):
- His room-mate being the website guy
- His room-mate having connections with John Tuturro's character
- When the two racist robots smash through that wall in Egypt
- The matrix being able to save Optimus even though it has never been 'used like that before'
- Arrival of The Fallen robot - just in time for a battle huh?
How about that romance subplot? Wow, what a cliche ridden piece of shit that was. Yearning for the other to say "I love you" was about as mind-numbing as the continual robot fights. Megan Fox and Shia LaBeouf look so uncomfortable together, it seems as if Fox has just memorised her movements and tried to look pretty. Also, the whole Isabel Lucas thing was poorly done. Sure, she's also attractive, and Australian to boot, but she was orange. She must have stayed the night in a tanning bed. The way in which her role was dealt with was really bad. It seems like they stole that from the 'every-teen-movie-ever' book. Except this one involves robots. That makes we wonder, what would this film have been like without robots. Just ponder it...we would see a flimsy relationship, annoying, egotistical parents, awful dialogue, poor depiction of the government. Just about everything that makes any other film criticised. This film is saved by it's robot fights.
And what of those robot fights? How were they? Well, if it's any indicator that I felt able to look away from the screen at any time I heard that god awful metal 'clang' and recognised that the constant repetition was putting me to sleep. They were repetitive garbage that continually resulted in the destruction of a major world city. It's like watching a live-action version of Team America, except sans satire. With that, where the hell were the consequences. Hey you destroyed Shanghai! An American team destroyed Shanghai. Is that not fcuked up!!!!! It's called nuclear tensions. If America messed with China we'd all be a world of pain, or rather, nuclear winter.
Following on from my disappointment in the robots themselves. What the racist black stereotype robot twins?!? They were awful. And racist. And robots. WTF.
The film tired to be grounded in some sense of realism. Epic fail. Sure I can suspend my disbelief when it comes to robots, but the way in which they were integrated into the world of the movie was just plain awful. They got permission to use Obama's name as President. Dumb move White House. So, in the context of the film, Obama sent the cliche government type that every dumb blockerbuster has as a veil for anti-authoritarian thought. So Obama was the one who wanted to suppress the Autobots. So Obama didn't give them "hope" he didn't act to inspire or lead? He shut it all down? Really? In fact, every attempt to bring it to reality, the jokes about swine flu and the economy, were all awful. Even in my theatre, where they laughed at a guy getting tasered in the balls, those jokes got no love.
Let's compare to Transformers 1, which looks like American Beauty next to its counterpart. You know what made that movie interesting? The plot wasn't completely shit and the supporting characters were great. Jon Voight, the Australian girl and her computer guy friend were all great additions to that film. I even like Josh Duhamel in the first movie! He had a son and everything. But where's the kid in this one? Where is the scruples of emotional pull that even Armageddon had? (that's for you Zac) John Tuturro! He who annoyed the crap out of me as that stupid Sector 7 guy in the first one, was not as annoying here. Good for him. Still, he should stick to Coen Brothers films. While we're onto acting, Shia was fine, he's always been pretty good (except Indy 4). Megan Fox is hot. But she can't act to save herself. Hotness only goes far enough. No character had an arc with the exception of the annoying room-mate and Tuturro. Everyone else was static, or at least the character development was the exact same as the first movie.
Next on the list is the writing. Same screenwriters. Good start. The first one was shit but OK, if that makes any sense. The second one was one of the most poorly written films I have ever seen. Linking back to my rant about coincidences, that what the film relied upon. That, and some of the worst dialogue known to man. Examples:
- "We gotta trust him"
- "Let's roll"
- "Don't tell my mother"
- "I rise, you fall" (oh the pun!)
- "This isn't over!"
- "The matrix of leadership is not won, but earned"
- And the awful end monologue...
I was talking to a friend a while back about Linkin Park's awesome career move when providing Transformers 1 with a theme song. Why? Because they were on the decline. Their album didn't sell as much as hoped for and they were going on of the public consciousness. But now, with Transformers they are getting back on top, they are on all the trailers, the radio stations. And they were given a second shot for Transformers 2, another way to bolster their career. And I think that maybe the song is better than the movie itself. If it's a case of artistic merit I fell as if the robot movie is clinging onto the Alternative Rock that is their theme song.
This movie is an advertising exec's wet dream. Let's not forget that it's all about the money. There was a poster of Bad Boys II (Michael Bay film) actually used in the film. Like it was written on, you couldn't miss it. Awesome subtlety. Also, nice to see all of the car logos whenever anyone transformed. Gotta love how these Transformers just adapted to the current auto retail climate.
How did this go for 2 1/2 hours? The Dark Knight goes for 2 1/2 hours and the only complaint I have against that film is that it tries to fit 1 1/2 movies into 1. Transformers 2 doesn't do that. It's distinctly the one movie. But it's stretched out way too long and has so many useless scenes. If that ye olde robot could teleport why didn't they just skip to the end from there. Could have easily been done. But wait, that would cut some robot action. Obviously necessary plot development there.
The Ending - SPOILERS
This ending was by far the worst bit of the film. In addition to the awful 'leaving home' motif and the Fallen guy rocking up like 40min after we see him leave and just in time to verse Optimus in a battle when the very reason he came back to Earth was because he wanted to avoid Optimus Prime. How the hell did OP kill the Fallen guy? It doesn't make sense. If OP could, and was killed, by a few Deceptacon henchmen early on, how come he can so easily defeat their all-powerful leader? The ending also allowed me to give this film the "worst set-up for another sequel" award, taking it from National Treasure 2's 'hidden chapter in the book' thingo. I can't believe they had the remaining Deceptacons bail after saying "This isn't over" and the US Army letting them go without a fuss. WTF. Also, the "you love me" moment is so shit it reminded me of the wedding at the end of Armageddon and the end monologue for OP was near exact the same as the first film...and who the hell is he transmitting to anyway?
Ultimately, don't waste your money. If you liked the first one on theatrical merit, don't watch it. If you like seeing shit blown up, watch the first 10min, close your eyes and then wake up for the last 10min. A film with humping robots, robo-testicles et al does not deserve to be praised. It deserves to be avoided and ignored. I fear the downfall of humanity is demonstrated merely by the success of this film at the box office. Want to see a good blockbuster? Watch Star Trek. That was fun, had action, and didn't halve my IQ. After seeing this, however, my mind is slowly numbing. Death, come and save me. Oh, and Fuck you Michael Bay for wasting 2 1/2 hours of my life. Now death come and save me. 1 1/2 stars.
Note: this is the longest review I've written. The second longest was for Watchmen, which I gave 4 1/2 stars. In the words of Billy Flynn "they'll love you more if you're hanged"
